Sunday, November 6, 2011

Submission requires: Strength

Way back when, when I first heard about this "dominance/submission" thing... it clicked with me right away.  It explained so many feelings/leanings/yearnings I had had all my life.

But I remember railing against the number of people who thought that submissive women were weak-willed, weak-minded, or just simply weak. Now I don’t have to rail, I just ignore such nonsense.

A true submissive isnt weak at all.  She is as strong as her Dominant (sometimes stronger - ooooh - issues, issues!)

It takes a lot of courage to mentally, emotionally, physically submit your own will to the leadership of another "frail" human being.  For myself, I know I can "be my own woman".  I've lived on my own and supported myself and two small babies - ON MY OWN.  Paid my own bills, took care of my house/apartment, worked, shopped, cooked, cleaned, parented - all on my own.

But I didn’t WANT to.  Not that I wasn’t capable - or that I wanted to be lazy (wouldn’t I have been in for a big surprise if I thought submission=laziness??) I just had a deep deep down desire to follow someone else's lead.

It's harder though.  When I had to make all the decisions, I just did it.  I weighed my options and made choices (some good, some bad, some terrible, but some great).  I did alright.  And it wasn’t too difficult.  I had a decent job, an apartment I loved and could afford and I had some pretty well-behaved children (who went to school at the time).

So, turning all that over, willingly saying "I will submit to your decisions even when I think there is a better way of doing this" - that's HARD!  It takes a strength that some days I'm not sure I have.  I seriously struggle on a regular basis to hold to that commitment.

But like in all things, I'm believing that even small steps forward will eventually turn into a great journey, because I believe that God created us to do just this.  He didn’t promise that it would be easy - just that it would be worth it.  I totally believe that.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Submission requires.....leadership

I've been instructed to write weekly blogs on submission...already I'm a few hours late, but such is life sometimes...

I did, however, think about it a lot last week.

I have often thought Dominance and submission were yin and yang - and in many ways, they are. But, while they work in concert with one another once the relationship is moving along, in the beginning, the Leadership has to come first.

A dominant is often a natural leader, in the workplace, in hobbies, with friends, etc. Sometimes a dominant isnt an aggressive leader, not quite so overt. But whether overt or subtle, it is still there all the time.

A submissive cannot submit to just anyone or anything. (that wouldnt be submission, that would be a lack of will) submission is a response. It is elicited. It is drawn out of a person. In the best of situations, it is cultivated. It is a conscious act of submitting one's will to another's.

In a christian marriage, the woman is called to submit to her husband. AND the husband should be submitting to God. The chain of command should stay in order...or otherwise you just have a tangled mess (see the dog sled post). If a christian man, head of his household, leader of his family, king of his castle, is not in line with the will of God before trying to get his wife (or kids) to follow him, he tears her (and them) up. She is literally torn, trying to follow two masters.

On my way to write this, I read someone else's blog, simply because the title caught my eye "the man is the head, but the woman is the neck" Sara wrote....

"If a man wants a Dd marriage to exercise control for his own personal agenda, to play out his cave-man fantasies, is immature enough to need to put himself first, or has emotional problems, he should not be put in charge of the relationship, let alone you.  If he is narcissistic, selfish, unable to put you first, unable to accept you and love you for who you are, he is not going to be a good leader."

I thought that was so well written, there was no need for me to try to come up with my own version.

Submission requires leadership - and ledership isnt just issuing orders, it is sacrificially stepping up to lead.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

not sure what to title this

It has been a while since I have been able to even log into blogger to read any blogs - much less post anything!

Not only have I missed many entries from blogs I have begun to appreciate, my own husband posted a week ago and I totally missed it.

I've been BUSY. 

Homeschool has started full blast and I am rockin and rollin.

But, unlike previous years, I don’t feel quite as overwhelmed, bogged down as I usually am at this point.  I have set some schedules and made some promises to myself, my kids and my husband that I am keeping. 

My husband has begun to exercise some control over my schedule as well, with expectations of his own.

And it is all beginning to work. 

Today is one of my CRAZY driving days.  Three big meetings today - spread out morning, afternoon, evening - requiring a lot of travel back and forth and rearranging of dinner schedules, etc.  and two big meeting type things tomorrow.

But because I was HOME yesterday and got myself prepared for the week, in between meetings today all I have had to do is work on dinner.  Chicken went into the crockpot this morning for chicken/rice soup... then it got shredded after the first big thing... now, after our second meeting, we are making the bread and the rice for the soup... that will be ready in time for me to eat and run out the door for my last meeting of the day.

Plans... schedules... orderliness... chain of command... I like it.  I thrive in the comforting environs they create.

I love you hunny - and the place we are getting to!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Our Weekend

Recently, my husband and I had our "weekend".  This is one of those weekends that we would like to do every 2-3 months but only get to do 1-2 times a year.  This particular one was one of the best ones so far, in part due to our recent resolve to renew our D/s dynamic.

WARNING:  this is a recap of our weekend - my thoughts and feelings on our activities.  Not quite a scene report, but could come close, so if that isnt your thing, feel free to stop reading now...

First, J made a schedule.

Be still my heart.

I know it sounds silly to most, but when a man who is a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, roll-with-it, comewhatmay sorta guy (not to mention a world-class procrastinator) makes a schedule to woo his lady, the lady is woooed!

The fact that he planned and organized and executed a weekend for me had me swooning before the weekend started.

Rules J created for me for this weekend:
I was to cum at least 5 times per day with or without his help (well that just wasn’t a problem)
I was to assist in at least one of his orgasms per day (check!)
I was to write 2 essays over the weekend of a kinky/fantasy/erotic nature
I was to stimulate him outside of our hotel room to erection at least once per day (check... well sorta - tho the third day was *home* - guessing that counted :))
I was to talk dirty to him during our hotel stay (for at least 30 minutes)
I was to use safewords (something we don’t normally do - mostly because we RARELY do anything remotely dangerous nor do I have any unusual medical conditions that might make something normal, dangerous)

Special things my husband did for me this weekend:
made me an appointment for a mani/pedi at my favorite spa
made reservations at two of my favorite restaurants - one for lunch one day and one for dinner the next day
made reservations for two nights at one of my favorite hotels
paid attention to me all weekend, with very little phone/computer distraction
set up an environment for romance and bonding through the above and little things like candles and doughnut buying and movie rentals and relaxing of the rules,etc.

and then, because I found two of my assignments too difficult at this point in time, he didn’t force me on them... nor did he complain or pout or mope (yes, HOH's pout - it can happen!)  he held me and he loved me and he let me know that he was disappointed but that he understood.  This weekend came a little too soon for one part of our relationship but was soooooo overdue for our relationship as a whole that it couldn’t be postponed.  I believe I will be up for all sorts of instructions like that in a few more months - certainly by the next time we are able to get away like this.

sexy things my hunny did for me this weekend:
Our first night, he laid out our toys (but not the floggers *pout*) and told me to choose one that would be used on me.  I surprised him (I think/hope) and chose the butt plug (the smaller one tho!!).  He had the table set up and laid me out on it.  He warmed me up with stroking and kisses.  Then he lubed that sucker up and stuck it in.  That doesn’t sound too romantic does it?  Well - it's not.  There are some things that SOUND kinky/sexy... but they just arent in practice.  It's definitely a different feeling.  It DOES add to certain sensations - particularly when he uses his very well practiced fingers in other areas... definite sensation adding.  Unfortunately, when it is gone, it adds a sensation that is not exactly conducive to sexual ... expression.  For the fellow female ejaculators out there... you probably had a time before you were comfortable with it that you constantly worried about peeing, right?  That was *hard* to overcome, for me anyways... but that OTHER sensation... the OTHER concern about "letting loose"... you don’t just get over that.  and it certainly limits some... expressions!!

and then I got to have my doughnut *g*

Ring Toss!!

Well, no, not exactly... first because my aim isnt all that great and second, because my aim isnt all that great, I would have just turned the whole thing into a sticky mess..

But I did get to eat my favorite doughnut off my favorite toy :)  That was actually kind of fun.  Not nearly as messy as it sounds.  Mostly because the confection really only sorta sat on top...any further down and it would have split right open and fallen off!!  *no, my husband didn’t make me say that :)*

I have often been reluctant to "play" with food in that manner - mostly because I'm not really into messy.  I do, on occasion, because my husband likes it.  But it's not usually all that exciting for me.  I enjoyed this time.  The sugar glaze melted easily in my mouth and made it all sooooo sweet :)

Our second night, I was shut in the bathroom until I was allowed to come out.  And I came out to candles everywhere!  The table was once again set up... but with plastic on it... RUH ROH...

I was instructed to lay down on the table, face up, eyes closed.  I did.  I suddenly had cold cold cold baby oil being dripped all over me!  Wait - this might be ok, I was getting a massage - cool!  And he did massage in the oil - but it didn’t last very long.  And I was getting cold.  And then I was hot.

in tiny little bursts of hot as hot wax dripped over my belly and chest and thighs...

We hadnt done this in YEARS!  whoooohoooo!  I love candle play and fire play (tho i've never actually gotten to do that exactly, but I've seen it done and I have had other things that are similar) and cupping.

J spent the next 30 or so minutes making patterns and playing in the wax while I closed my eyes and enjoyed the anticipation and alternating cold/hot/cold/hot of the wax dripping in one area and cooling to hardness in another.

But then - there was clean up... did I mention that some things just SOUND more fun in theory than they are in practice?

I'm sure there is some sort of special technique for getting all that wax off the body, but jeeze louise, we didn’t find it that night! ... at one point, he was scraping it off with a steak knife (anyone got any ideas??)  we spent the next 45 minutes PLUS trying to get me clean... I think I still have a few pieces stuck to my thighs!!

But it was still fun... and funny!!

and then there was the morning sex!  I love morning sex - and I particularly love morning hotel sex!  Two mornings in a row - whoop whoop!

Weekend lows:  I was unable to follow all of my instructions.  I hate disappointing my husband.  I wish everything could be perfect - I wish I could be perfect, but I'm not.
Clean up - I want Hollywood sex!!! 
Eye infection - I wanted to look glamorous on our big night out... but I could only manage not hideous as my right eye was kind of puffy and I couldn’t put on very much eye make up at all without my eye watering like a spigot!  

Highs:  The restaurants - Ming Court and Capital Grille... I don’t care what my hips say, my mouth is LOVING the memories :)
The time, the time, the time - I treasure every moment we get to spend together as a family and as a couple.  We spend lots and lots of time together as a family... but the time we get to spend as a couple... no rush, no worries, just holding hands and holding on, loving each other and laughing and leaning in... those times are fewer and therefore slightly more precious right now.  I'm standing taller today and walking with a fuller heart because I got to spend so much concentrated time with my best friend. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

check in for the night

i don't like exercise...still...but it wasn't as difficult today

food logging was harder....had to take a pic of the snacks at church :(

i enjoyed this morning too :)

my school stuff was still just worried about getting behind before we have really started...


Logging ... rules... stuff...

So - the dreaded "rules" showed up.

Well - actually - I think I only have the one true rule - and then a few daily tasks set to complete a goal.

I was so proud of myself for having finished ALL of my exercise goals this morning BEFORE breakfast even... and I went to log it into MyFitnessPal... and discovered that for some reason my daily calorie goals had magically changed overnight - and that my cardio goals had gone from like 4days/week to 7days/week - what happened to the Sabbath???  and apparently Hubby wanted my login/pswd for MFP for reasons OTHER than JUST to monitor my progress....



Monday, August 15, 2011

Great minds and all that...

In my room getting dressed... just thinking... and the idea of "rules" crossed my mind - and how my flesh really doesn’t want them.  In the flesh, I want to be a big girl and be in charge of myself... Queen of my own Domain.

But I know on some level, I crave rules.  I'm sure I don’t actually need someone else to make them for me.  I'm sure I could do it myself.  But it would probably be Easier .. and some of the rules might actual produce Change if someone else does them.

just passing idle thoughts

From there - I go to my computer to check on some things before I run out of the house... and I discover that my husband has sent me a "reading assignment".... ... to be exact.

I guess I'm gonna get some rules ...